Shredded and Recycled

Hello and a Happy New Year (belatedly)  to My Cyber Friends

This post was originally started at the beginning of January.  But here we are on February 4, and I'm finally finishing it.

Today is a reflecting day.  I look at the ways our family has handled the past year and I am pleasantly surprised some of us haven't thrown ourselves off a cliff.   It has been a bittersweet year indeed.  I am not happy with how I have handled things however.  It has been a year of watching my offspring suffer betrayals and unspeakable heartbreak.  I have also experienced losses of people I assumed would be in my life forever.   And i am slowly moving on with my life in a redefined way... a reflecting and slow, very slow recovery of my heart.

I wonder how much sadness a person can endure in a lifetime..  At what point does the ache in the heart finally become a full blown heart attack?  I've been looking at how my husband and I deal with the unending chaos that has reigned in our lives in the past 25 or so years.  He is a "doer" and I commiserate and ruminate over every word spoken and every action taken by others, continually reminding myself that the verbal slings and arrows hurled about aren't about me.  He copes well, by being active and taking healthy steps in his life and I seem given to self defeating behaviours.

I know I'm being somewhat cryptic but I have talked enough about the instances that have created this heartache.  It may be a  more positive course by not dwelling on events over which one has no control.

How does a normally "reactive" "problem solving" personality adapt to a hands off approach.  Discerning the difference between accepting what I can't change or control and taking actions for which I am responsible and have control is such a big problem for me.  I constantly remind myself by saying the serenity prayer that I need to turn it all over to God.

I sense God drawing me close now and I really don't think I deserve his care and attention but who of us really does?  I only know I am filled with awe and gratitude for what He has done for me lately in the area of peace of mind.

Lately I have been learning to pray with more attention and faith. Mind you, it is not consistent enough to be calling myself a prayer warrior or to say I am in constant communion with God.  But what I've noticed is that when I follow the patterns recommended by the bible, the promptings I sense from within (Holy Spirit)  and the wisdom from others,  I have fairly positive days.  And I find that problems are resolved despite my lack of involvement!  I think that is an insanely wonderful realization after all the years spent in a "counsellor's office"  trying to change my behaviour according to a psychologists prescription.  Oh, I do believe I have needed those counsellors and may need them again one day but for now, God is meeting me in new ways that some days astonish me.

But how do you come to a point of turning your life over to "God"  when you have embraced a completely materialistic and self gratifying lifestyle.  How do you dare?  One way I've noticed is some people get sick, others just realize they aren't getting anywhere with the approach they are using. or someone breaks your heart and trust and...you are filled with "dis ease", without hope / hopeless in your own ability to solve the simplest problem.

When one has been reasonably competent and successful in most areas of  life, it is extremely difficult to admit you need outside help.  It is especially true of those of us who are afraid of taking responsibility for our own actions.  And just when I was in this very state, I sensed God coming to the rescue...wasn't aware of Him but there were just too many coincidences to be anything or anyone but God nudging me gently toward Him.

Giving up isn't an option for those of us who call themselves Christians.  Each of us has unique burdens but along with those burdens come the responsibility to share the unique gifts we are given to others who come across our path.  Then with awe and gratitude we can Praise His Holy Name.

I think I am being shredded and recycled and reclaimed for the purpose which God intended me to accomplish in this life.  I can hardly wait to see what tomorrow brings...Good night!