Today I was feeling really depressed about my life and particularly about my relationships with my children and husband. I was wondering if I could ever reconnect with my family. As I've worked through the thinking on this, I know there are stronger forces at work in my life, Namely the force of the Love of God for each of us.
I have put my family and most specifically, my children, ahead of everything else that should be more important to me. I have always tried to be "there" for my kids, even when they had outgrown their physical and emotional needs for me. I realize that in trying to assist my children with their lives I've interfered. I tried in vain to let go and let God. But when they fell and came running back to me as teens and then as adults I tried desperately to help them put their pieces back together, despite the cost to me and my health and our marriage. I have negated my own needs; physical, emotional, financial and spiritual in trying to help them. This is the mistake one makes when they try to be "God" for their children.
My children are closing in on forty years of age but recently, they have both encountered circumstances in their lives that seem intolerable to me, if I were in their shoes. And to my dismay, both my children are in severe pain in their relationships with their S/O's. Initially when they started having problems they came to me with them and involved me to a certain degree in them. I was in extreme emotional pain over what they were experiencing and it seemed incomprehensible to me. However, to my joy, both of them turned to the ways of their youth and have been seeking God for their solutions.
Now as they begin working on their problems, one couple has asked me to leave them alone while they work on their problems by themselves. I can understand this. However, I am not allowed to phone or email them as they don't want me to talk to them at all. I have to wait and this waiting has been very hard, the wait seems endless and I feel the longer they wait to see us, the more difficult it will be to reconnect. I have a sense that they hold me responsible for their fractured relationships because of the reaction that they are having toward me now. The seeming resentment of me by my children for interfering, their judgement and disrespect of me and my needs, and an ever widening gulf between my husband and I due to my burgeoning obesity is too much for me to bear. I am left alone, broken hearted and dying (literally, due to obesity related health problems) and seeking God.
Guess you might say I've hit rock bottom with nowhere to go and no one to reach out to. I am lost...I am lost.
"God please help me recover and in so doing come to you and build with YOU an everlasting relationship. Death would be a welcome blessing to me now should You choose it. Some of the most important relationships I've longed for and have loved in this world are gone and I long for You O Lord."
The following song best expresses the realization I've come to today. While this song is often used as a song of love for weddings, I prefer to think of it as a love song to Jesus.
I believe God has allowed these circumstances to enable each member of my family to see more clearly that it is His hand that we need and His will that we should seek. God is my "ever present help in trouble" and is truly the only one who cares for and loves me unconditionally. I am grateful, as the song says, to the northern stars, my family, who have lead me straight to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The circumstances of the past few weeks have unfolded in a most unusual way to make me realize that I have a deep longing for God in my life. And while I miss my children in my life, they are grown and my focus needs to be Him and only Him to the exclusion of all others.
Thank you that this broken road has lead to this longing for you oh Lord. This is one of my favourite songs. Check it out on you tube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do32g82qilk
"Bless The Broken Road"
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
[Chorus]
Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
Notation: should my children and husband ever read this please know how grateful I am to all of you for helping me realize this broken road has served to lead me to Him, where I should always have been.
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